Welcome to Newsletter 9+10 (iykyk)

Good afternoon from Zlín, and Happy Halloween 🎃👻! Spooky season has officially arrived, but you know what’s scarier than vampires and werewolves and mummies?

Well, a lot of things actually.

But for the sake of time, space, and also to prevent me from going down a never-ending abyss of existential crises and spiraling questions, we can just say ghosts. BOO!

I know you are all probably getting ready for an exciting Halloweekend, and so this newsletter is my trick-or-treat to you (depending on how you view this edition). 🍬 Let’s get into it 👇

A Colorful October

I have been staring at this screen for the past like 30 minutes. Scrolling Instagram and biting my nails. I can’t tell if I have happy or melancholy thoughts to share, so I’m just going to write and we will see where the chips fall.

What is the human experience? This past month, I feel like I had a whole whirlwind of it. I made new friends, I saw my family, I felt alone, I said goodbye, I shed a tear or two, I ran, I laughed, I was stressed, I had my guard up, I traveled, I got insecure, I felt lost, I felt proud of myself, I put myself out there, I wandered, I smiled, I frowned, I felt deflated, I felt inspired.

And so, as I reflect back on the end of this month, where so much happened, I look back both with fondness and sadness. There were happy times and there were not so happy times, but as I’ve said before, we can’t expect to be happy all the time. I guess what I’m trying to express is – it was an interesting month. I had a lot of highlights, but also some decent lowlights (if you will). I had moments where I felt so proud of myself, so content, so fulfilled, so loved, so jubilant, so curious, so intrigued. But I also had moments where I really felt alone, isolated, misunderstood, unwanted, frustrated, exhausted, dreary, hopeless, aimless.

And I guess, yeah, that’s it. No conclusion statement or TLDR or groundbreaking realization. Just yeah. That’s it. Or, as we say in Czech: “hotovo.”

Or, actually I lied. Let me word-vomit reflect here for a second. It was a good month. I met a lot of people and surrounded myself with my new community. My parents came to visit me here and they met all my fellow teachers at a local pub, and it was just such a heartwarming and fulfilling moment. A bunch of my colleagues came to the pub after school to have drinks and meet my parents, and it made me so happy inside. It was a merging of my two worlds, and a way for my parents to see how I’m fitting in here halfway across the world.

You know those moments where the sounds drown out and you become an observer for a second and just look around and realize, “Wow, this is really happening.” That was me that day, and it honestly was the first time in a long time where I felt a tangible sense of self-pride and contentment. A feeling of “wow, I made this happen.” Not in a self-glorifying or arrogant way, but in a way that felt refreshingly relaxing. A sigh of relief. Proof, if you will, that I am doing something right. Despite my mostly outward optimistic self, I can be sometimes quite negative and cynical, especially to, about, and within myself. I don’t typically broadcast this much, but I can be difficult to myself – dismissive of the pros and fixated on the cons. I’m learning and trying to grow, and honestly my time here in the Czech Republic so far has helped, but of course, there are days.

But this day, that moment, where I looked around and saw smiling faces, glasses clinking, bread broken, and felt pure elation…that was a good day. That was a day I felt proud of myself. And that’s often something I have a hard time actually meaning.

Give Them A Hug

I know the first chunk was quite heavy and honestly more of a journal entry than my normal discourse, so if you’re still reading, I appreciate you (I also appreciate you even if you aren’t reading). There’s something else I want to yap about, and that is the idea of being alone. I was actually going to write about this last month, but I pivoted because I didn’t feel I had enough material. Now, however, I do.

There are over eight billion people in the world right now, so how is it possible that we can ever be alone? Surely, there’s someone somewhere who knows us. What does being alone really mean? Is it the same as being lonely? No, it’s not. Here’s my take.

Being lonely means feeling like you are by yourself. Being alone means actually being by yourself. And sometimes, when the wait of the world is on our shoulders and everything starts to come crashing down, our mind conflates being lonely with being alone.

I remember the other day, I thought to myself: “I haven’t given anyone a hug in a long time.” I know it sounds cheesy and I’m sorry, but let me continue. I thought, “Wow, I’m meeting a lot of new people here in Zlín – teacher colleagues, new neighbors, other Fulbrighters, some expats, but I don’t fully know anyone here yet. I know people, but I don’t know them yet. I hug people hello/goodbye, but I haven’t embraced anyone. I’m quite alone.”

Lambast me in the comments all you want, but it’s how I was feeling, and I see no point in hiding. That’s the point of this newsletter, after all, to share.

And so, when we start thinking like this, the self-fulling isolating thoughts begin to creep in, “Yeah I have friends and family who support me, but they don’t actually understand…Yeah, but they don’t truly know how I feel…Yeah, but at they end of they day, they all have their own lives and I’m stuck with my own shit…Yeah, but it’s not their problem, it’s mine…Yeah, but they don’t actually know what it’s like, they can’t relate…Yeah, but it’s just different.”

And could that be true? Yes. No one will be able to truly understand your experiences and your feelings and your thoughts like you can. And if/when we miraculously find someone who can, but then we no longer have them, this explosive realization can jolt us into a paralyzing state of endless freefall.

And so, the point of this? I hope you don’t let those voices win. When you are feeling so so so lonely, please know that you aren’t alone. Whether you are feeling scared or you are doubting yourself or someone wronged you or made a huge mistake at work, I hope you know there’s always someone you can call. They probably won’t be able to fully understand what you’re experiencing, and most likely they won’t be able to fully fix the situation, but at the very least, they’ll pick up the phone.

You aren’t alone. You’re never alone. At the very least, you always have yourself.

Thank you for listening to my extended yap!

If you’d like to follow along in my journey here in Zlín, I’d love for you to czech out my Instagram account: @amilinzlin!

You know the drill: everything I write here is something I am actively working on improving and implementing within myself. Writing them out also helps me to visualize what to work on and how to do it. And having you as my audience holds me accountable.

If you have any thoughts, comments, or feedback, please dish it to me! I’d love to know how I can improve. I am glad to have you here on my VasaVita journey.

If you want to talk more about anything I discussed in my newsletters, or want to learn more about VasaVita, check out my website below!

See you next month!

And last but not least, the following growth check!

You all know the drill: in the sprit of transparency and holding myself accountable, I include my audience count here to keep you apprised of my growth. We got a bunch more people in October!! Welcome to the club!!!!

Looking forward to ~hopefully~ some more growth next month! If you have any ideas or tips, please do share!